home is where the heart(h) is

built our home up with each other,
mixed the mortar for the bricks,
installed a grand fireplace to know when one was home.
the home I once knew is just a house,
your house is not welcome to me anymore,
the fireplace no longer burns,
doors are all locked, windows are boarded up.

I was always wary of this house, stepping foot into it,
something slightly off about it,
I just couldn't put my finger on,
but I didn't realize until everything came crumbling down.
would you like to know what it was?
the whole house wasn't even real.
the house was made of rickety rubbish and trash,
the saddest part is you tried to pass it off for something real.

your future

now i know everyone always gives us indefinite promises when we're down
"tomorrow will get better" or " next time you'll do better"
they tell us this as if they know that my future will get better,
as if they're some fortune teller who can predict my future.

i'm here to tell you a simple fact: that's just not realistic.
no one knows how my future will go, tomorrow or five years from now.
hell, even i don't know what my future is going to look like.
although i don't know what it looks like, i can decide what it could look like.

you shouldn't let anyone decide your future for you
sure, let some people have some say in what you do,
but don't let them have all of the say,
because you are the deciding factor to your future.

make decisions that allow you to live to the best of your abilities.
from personal experiences, the best of your abilities doesn't mean you're happy.
if you strive to be your best, and that's the best you can possibly be,
that's great, you've made a positive impact on your life!

an author by the name of John Green once said,
"you don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world,
but you do have some say in who hurts you."
that, in my personal opinion, speaks volumes.

a.n
11/27/14

(A/N: Yes! It has been quite a while, but I haven't abandoned my little sanctuary I call my blog. I can't promise I'll update so often because of school, but I'll do my best. I'm currently exploring different poetry styles to expand the type of poetry I post in order to better myself as a writer, so bear with me. I may post another poem tonight, but if not, Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate!)

unrequited love (pt.1)

i never thought i'd feel like this

you want to know how i feel,

i feel like that old couch on the side of the road,
useless, something that no one wants,

something people throw away after it's served a purpose.

you want to know why i feel like trash

it's because of him.

he looked at me from across the room

he said "hello"

he talked to me for two hours straight

he cracked jokes with me like it was no one's business

he called me snowflake
he was so sweetly sarcastic

he thought i had potential

he sparked my interest

he treated me like i'm supposed to be treated

he made me feel special

he managed to make me fall in love with him.

he did all this, and it sounds great,
but i feel like trash

because he didn't return my love.

and you know what? 

it hurts.

a.n

10/18/14

i care (warning: may be triggering)

i wish i could save you from your life.
you're a thousand miles away
and i wish i could hold you now
to stop you from thinking unsafe thoughts.
i can feel your heart hurting,
your heartstrings turning and tearing
and i wish i could help you.
please don't drown in your sorrow,
because i know you will want to give up,
but please don't.
i wish i could be there to throw you a life saver
to save you from all your misery.
but i can't.
i know you're sitting in your backyard right now,
taking a sip of the black coffee you always love,
staring into the sky and thinking of a better life.
thinking of how much you miss a certain someone.
thinking of how much beautiful and better everything
and everyone else is compared to you.
thinking of how much better your life would be
if you could just leave everything behind
and go somewhere far away.
i should probably let you know
that i'm doing the same.
i'm sitting in my backyard,
sipping on the bitterly black coffee you got me addicted to,
staring at the frightening blue sky and thinking of a better life.
i'm thinking of how much i miss a certain someone (it's you).
i'm thinking of how beautiful and better everything is because of you.
i'm thinking of how terrible and horrid life would be if you just packed your bags
and went somewhere far away and unknown.
i do admit, i think the same thoughts as you.
i always am missing someone and wishing i could be by their side.
i always think about how everything has a greater sense of purpose and i'm just here.
i always think about packing up and leaving without a trace, and no one would even notice.
but then, i remember something important (i hope you remember this too).
there's always someone out there that cares about you.
i can hear you saying "that's not true, no one cares about me" right through your computer screen.
but it is true, someone cares about you.
it could be anyone really.
a family member, or a complete stranger.
it could be the shy guy watching you from across the room.
or the girl with the raven hair that sits on the bus two seats over from you.
but if you think no one cares about you, just know that i care.
i care about you.
read that previous sentence over and over and over until you believe it.
it's more than true.
you could be a 16 year old who's tempted to go tonight
or a 45 year old who isn't willing to let anyone help them.
no matter who you are, i do care.
i love you and i care so much.
but don't always rely on others to save you.
Sometimes, you have to be the one to save yourself.

as a certain person said,
"everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it isn't the end."

a.n

8/17/14

A/N: With depression and other mental illnesses coming into light recently, I felt the need to put this out there. For anyone out there that's battling something that they feel like that they can't overcome, just remember that someone loves you and is willing to help you through it. The most important thing to remember is to love yourself first and always put yourself first. I know that sounds selfish, but your happiness is the most important thing to being the best that you can be.

Being happy yourself is the key to make everything happy, so be strong for yourself and others :)

Him

When I met you, I didn't think much of you.
You were just another person that would
Come into my life as fast as one would leave.
I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was that shy girl across the room,
Unable to look into your beautiful eyes.
For months on end,
all I could do was admire you from afar.

Then something changed,
I was able to look into your eyes.
Every time we talked,
I felt something that I never felt before.

Whenever you were around,
Euphoria took over my entire body.
Your love was quicksand and I was sinking,
But I didn't want to be saved.

a.n

8/16/2014

Decisions

Have you ever wanted something,
But you could never have it?
You would do anything to get it,
No matter what the cost.
But at the same time,
You would never do it.

You're scared of the risks,
You're scared of the results.
What if it doesn't turn out
The way you want it to?
You're scared of what could
Happen when you have it.
Illegal or legal, you're still scared.
Scared of judgement.
Scared of jealousy.
Scared of hate.
But if you had that thing,
It would make you so happy that you wouldn't care.

You finally get what you want
And you're on Cloud 9.
You're happy for a while,
But then it all sinks in.
You finally care about the judgement.
The feeling of someone not liking you
Because you have that one thing.
You'd think the simple solution
Is to just let it go.
But it's too hard to let go
Of what you already have in your clutch.
You've grown too attached,
You just can't let it go.

You start to wonder
What would you do without it?
You then shake the thought of of your head
Because you can't bear to think
Of a life where you didn't have it.
But there's that small little thought
That says you've survived up to now without it.
If you choose to let it go,
Then you wouldn't have any judgement to live with.
But then your one source of true happiness is gone.

You can't pick both,
It's impossible in a world like this.
You're forced to choose one.

You start thinking a little deeper.
If you truly loved the thing you had,
You would be completely content,
Not caring what other people thought about it.

So now it's time to think:
Should you throw it away and let it go,
Or should you keep it
And face every negative thing that comes with it?


11/09/2013

A/N: This is to everyone out there facing judgement over things that people around them deem as "harmful" and "sick" in their eyes. As you can tell, I didn't decide to end the poem saying what you would do because you shouldn't let other people decide what to do with your life. Sure, they can guide you, but never let them control you. Besides, it's interesting to think about the choices that people have and if they'll take them.

Little Girl

Little Girl was walking through a toy store,
Dawdling up and down the aisles,
Not quite sure what she was looking for.
Little Girl looked up and her pure eyes lit up.

There it was,
The most amazing thing Little Girl has ever seen,
A very handsome teddy bear.
At least in Little Girl's innocent mind, he was very good-looking.

Little Girl knew she had to have it.
She was shaking the shelf,
Hoping it would magically fall into her arms.
Oh, how Little Girl was so naive!

Little Girl managed to get her mother to buy it for her.
When Little Girl finally had the teddy bear,
She was completely over the moon.
If only she knew what was to happen.

a.n

(This will have a part 2, eventually)